lights, camera, action

Today both Punk and Kooka spent 7 hours shooting a TV commercial. It's a national ad for Lifetime Fitness - so there's a chance that even Uncle Rascal will get to see it. Anyway - they were just two of several children who participated in the shoot. And in case anyone is deluded into thinking this was a glamourous gig, let me set you straight. Here is how the day actually goes:
8:30:Call time. Arrive on location. Set out wardrobe - which consists of almost every single shirt we own, three pair of shorts, two pair of shoes, and countless hair accessories.

8:45: Fill out paperwork for both kids including a waiver. The waiver explains that this commercial can be used for the next hundred years and that even if clips from today's shoot are used in the next Harry Potter film, we will not be getting a single cent more than what they are paying us today. There is also a small disclaimer about the artifical "atmosphere" that will be pumped into the rooms today. The disclaimer says that the atmosphere potion contains water and a type of mineral oil that has not been found to be hazzardous to humans YET.

9:00: Cover Kooka's ears as you listen to the director's assisstant shouting to his assistant, "$#!T - Why do I only have 8 kids? I'm supposed to have 10 F+¢!^g kids!"

9:15: Pack every single thing you own back into the bag, as wardrobe tells both kids - you look perfect in the clothes you have on. I think Kooka slept in those shorts - oh well.

9:30: Walk kids to scene of the first shoot. Notice that this room is already full of "atmosphere." It looks like a rave for 2nd graders - I can hardly see through the fog. Leave both children in the hands of complete strangers. Most of the strangers have dirty t-shirts and carry giant cameras. They have cups of black coffee and powdered sugar on their upper lips. Secretly hope that it IS powdered sugar. The other strangers have way too much product in their hair, perfect teeth, and haughty expressions on their faces. They could care less if my children tumble from the 8 foot climbing wall, as long as it doesn't wreck their shot. The assistant to the assistant actually smiles at the kids. He tells us to adjourn to the holding room - where we can watch the shoot on camera 3's monitor.

10:00: Makeup comes out to talk to cameraman 3. Mentions that the blonde kid with the pigtails is so very polite - and so is the kid in the green shirt. Do invisible victory dance in my head. Watch the monitor and realize that the obnoxious three year-old who won't smile and keeps hitting the adults is always in the front. So is the nasty 7 year old who keeps verbally abusing the producer. Clearly the blond kids' manners ain't getting them any action.

10:30: Kids are excused to the holding room. 70 new "extras" arrive. Wardrobe checks everyone's bathing suits. Send Punk into the men's room with the other guys to change. Freak out until he comes back. Help Kooka change and redo her hair. Play Sleeping Queens - and win.

11:00: Follow the guy with bad highlights who swears a lot down to the pool area. Watch as he lines almost 100 people up onto the side of the pool. The guy who works the atmosphere machine sits behind you eating a hot dog. Take a good look at the atmosphere machine. It's really just a fog machine and giant fan mounted on a shopping cart. realize that while you have been checking out said machine, the blonde swearer has pulled both Punk and Kooka out of the lineup and told them to go sit by the hot tub.

11:05: Run to hot tub, and ask why children are sitting there. Listen to Punk's explanation. "I don't know. He just told us to come and sit right here." Interrogate children about what they were doing. Assume the worst. Feel relieved and guilty when the swearer says he has a special part for them - because they are so patient.

11:30: Action! While all of the other kids splish and splash freely in the pool. Punk and Kooka are asked to run into the pool, and "reset" every 30 seconds. There are about 50 takes. Kooka has goosebumps. Punk's lips are blue. Atmosphere Andy sits to my right shooting copious amounts of vaporized baby oil into my lungs. Wonder why a waterpark needs so much "atmosphere" anyway.

2:15: Scene wraps. Watch Punk and Kook play in the pool for 30 minutes with the other kids, while scenes are checked for reshoots.

2:45: Lunch arrives. We sit with Abbie, whom Punk has worked with before. The nasty 7 year-old from scene 1 finds a spot near us too. On her plate she has one piece of French bread, an orange soda, two pieces of chocolate cake, one brownie and a lemon bar. Punk says he wishes he had a mother like that. The girl giggles and uses her bare hands to stuff half a piece of cake into her mouth. Her mother is nearly as pleasant as she, complaining that there is no room for the "star" to sit because all of the "crew" is eating here too. Look at Abbie's mother who is wide-eyed, biting her lip. Kooka is not so subtle. Tell Kooka to close her mouth and quit staring.

3:30: Get final dismissal from Blondie. Clock out and call Kari the agent. Realize that over 500 takes were shot. Punk and Kooka's clips could be cut right out. Do not tell children this. They are very excited. Listen to them exclaim, "Can you believe they PAID us to play in a waterpark?" Start worrying that if they can get paid to eat cake, jump in bouncy castles, and swim in waterparks that they will never want real jobs.