seeing the world

So I am on my way to Timbuktu from wherever the heck it is that I live.

For my own extremely stupid reasons, I have decided to take the bus. Life is an adventure - you only live once - right?

So I am at the bus station. When my husband sees my travel companions, he refuses to leave until I board. There are several interesting characters - and I am quickly compiling a list of the most viable, least dangerous seat partners. At the top of the list is the guy who looks like Hootie typing on his laptop. Next is the Asian lady in the business suit. A close third are the two Dutch girls - but I assume they will be sitting together. And fourth is the German metrosexual with the fauxhawk reading a David Sedaris book. Fifth on the list is the amish couple. All six look like safe options.

Bottom of the list looks like this: The lady sitting across from us who continues to zip and unzip her pants - looking inside each time as though she is expecting to find something new. The guy that looks like a cartoon version of Bill Gates, constantly mumbling into his palm pilot. The woman carrying nothing but oranges in a walmart bag. She has not bathed for days - possibly weeks - and you can tell even from five seats away. The college age kid who is carting two gigantic rubbermaid tubs that are secured with screws and plenty of twine. Did I mention the tubs are soaking wet? Oh - and the proverbial lady with a screaming baby.

Aboard the bus - I am lucky enough to be near the front. Lady with baby sit near the front also - and is soon joined by "lunesta junkie" - who announces to the bus that she has just popped all of the sleeping pills she owns - which is great - but a whole bottle of vicodin ain't gonna make that baby go away.

The seats fill in and I am initially thrilled that nobody sits next to me. But wait a minute . . . somebody plops down next to pants zipper. Then smelly orange lady gets a seat partner. Final straw is when the mumbler is joined by a sweet elderly lady. WTF is wrong with me?! She would rather sit by the mumbler - than a girl with a sweet pink quilt reading a history book. I am a pretty good catch as far as a seatmate goes - way better than the zipper. And suddenly I am TICKED. Completely offended that myself and Fat Albert (self explanatory) are the only two without partners.

And it’s not even like I can enjoy my freedom, because Bosnian cell phone guy is sitting behind me kicking my chair, and talking in Russian for three hours.

What a way to see the world.